My So-Called Life

It's been awhile since Ive been able to update my blog and I apologize to all of my readers that I've been slacking on this! I'm sitting here, finally relaxing after another long work week. The tv is on, although I'm not really watching it. Katy is in the chair, also playing on her computer. Lacey is sitting by me on the couch, snoring away, because we know that she's put in a stressful day. I'm smiling, probably for the first time all day. I'm glad just to be at home, resting and not worrying about anything...for now.

Lately, I've had a lot of trouble with..let's just say my "mental health." I've been pretty open with everyone about my anxiety issues because I don't feel ashamed or that I should try to hide anything. I also think that it is good for me to talk about them, as my thoughts and feelings may not ony help myself, but other people who may be going through the same thing. I've had them my whole life, and usually I am ok. But in the past few weeks, I have not been ok.

I have always been one to overstress and overanalyze everything. It's just who I am. I try to be the best friend, girlfriend, sister, daughter, and employee I can, which leads to me being overwhelmed and overstressed.

Since January, I have been working two jobs. But in the past few months, I have been working more than usual. I decided that I wanted to get my credit card paid off as soon as possible. So, I have been putting in 60 hour weeks. I get up at 6:15,get dressed and get to work at 7. I leave job #1 at 3:30, go home, change, eat a PB & J sandwich, and go to job #2 until 9 on most nights. I'm starting to finally make some money. I often work Fridays or Saturdays. I thought I wouldn't get too tired (hah!) or stressed. (yeah right!) I also have other stresses going on in my life. So, I guess I should have known it would catch up with me and a few weeks ago it did.

I had not had a "panic attack" in quite awhile. If you have ever had them, you know how awful they are. It feels like you may stop breathing at any minute and you are so nervous and you don't even know what about. You sweat. You can't swallow. You're afraid you will die. Brian and I were sitting on the couch watching football, and I felt it coming on. At first, I was afraid he would have to take me to the hospital, but I knew that it would eventually pass. So I laid there at Brian's. He checked on me often, until I told him he could stay with me for awhile. He was so good about it although scared cause he had never seen me like hat. It did pass the next morning. But, why would it happen when I was finally relaxing? Why did it have to happen on a Saturday night when I was enjoying myself? Apparently, it can happen anytime, anywhere. Since then, I have been extremely anxious. Anxious it may happen again, or just anxious. I don't like feeling fearful or feeling like I can't get out of bed. Something has got to change...

I know that I need to cut back and slow down. I need to work, there's no way around that. And I need to relax! It's just hard to do when I have so much going on in my head. Will I ever move out? Will Brian's house ever sell? Will I ever make any money? Will I ever get married? Have kids? I am pushing myself to be everything to everyone and not doing anything for myself. Finding time to even shower during the week is a job in itself! :)

I do not take any medication and would prefer it that way. I am going to look into alternative ways to deal with my stress and anxiety issues. If anyone has any advice, I would love to hear it. I think I am going to go back to church. Maybe try yoga? My dad says I that I should give myself pep talks and remind myself that I am a good person. (which I know!) My mom says I need to cut back on work. Basically, I need to make more time for myself and do more for myself.

Everyone has something they have to deal with. And this, is what I have to deal with. I can either do something about it, or let it eat me alive. I am choosing to do something about it.