It's Monday night. I'm watching the news..always a depressing thing. I'm drinking a Stewart's Cherries 'n Cream, leftover from Katy's birthday celebration on Friday night. I just boiled some eggs and am about to make an egg salad sandwich...yum! Oh, how I am loving my alone time right now.
Mom had surgery last week and is recovering. (and will be for awhile) She seems to be doing pretty well, so that's good. I've been checking in on her and making sure the house is semi-clean. And it has been, as long as Mike isn't around!
With all that is going on in my life, I have become obsessed with something.... paying my credit card off!! Honestly, it's really the only thing I have to look forward to at this point in my life. I've come to the realization that Brian's house probably won't sell, and if it does, it'll be years from now. So, why should I sit here and wait for something that might not happen for a very long time? Why should I be punished for something that has nothing to do with me? So, after I get my debt under control...which should be in about 6 months if all goes well, then I hope to move out on my own. If Brian's house sells by then, great! But if not, I can't just sit here and wait. I don't think it is fair to me or to him for this to be happening, but there is nothing either one of us can do. So, maybe when his house sells, he can move in with me, instead of me moving in with him years down the road. Brian knows all of this, and he understands. We just wish something would happen so we can finally start our lives together. After all, I am almost 30!! :)
As far as the job thing goes..who knows. I'm honestly at a loss right now about what to do with my life. I'd love to be a stay-at-home mom someday, but I'm realistic and I know that probably won't ever happen. And I know that the teaching thing is out unless I move. So, what else is there? I'm always searching, always looking. I can't afford to go back to school right now. So, I'm busting my butt working 2 jobs and still not making any money. I don't know. It was so much easier when I was in college, I had no worries. I miss those days. Maybe I'll win the lottery! :)
Monday, October 27, 2008
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Things to be happy about right now!
I thought I'd change it up a bit and post something happy and refreshing! :) We all need our spirits lifted every now and then. The economy is bad, we're stressed, and most of us are extremely strapped for cash, so let's put that aside and think about something positive...what makes us happy! Here is what makes me happy right now, in no particular order.
1. Good music! There's nothing like sitting down and relaxing to some good music. I love all music (especially country!) but I've been listening to Bob Marley a lot lately...he keeps telling me that "every little thing, is gonna be alright!" and that gives me hope. Thanks Bob!
2. Long sleeve t-shirts. They are my favorite!!! I love to pair it with a cute lacy tank underneathe.
3. Pumpkin, pumpkin, and more pumpkin! I am lovin pumpkin pie, pumpkin roll, pumpkin bread, you name it! Tis' the season! (Plus pumpkin has many health benefits!)
4. McDonald's monopoly. Ok, it may not be the best idea I've ever had, but now I look forward to getting my am coffee even more! If only I could stop getting the same pieces over and over again. At least I've only eaten one big mac so far...
5. Black Squirrels. I thought that they were only a Hiram/Kent thing, but lately I've seen a few in my backyard. It's sweet.
6. Bubble baths! Now that it's getting cooler out, what better way to relax than to take a bubble bath!
7. The election is almost over! I don't know about you, but I am so tired of all this political mumbo jumbo. I cannot wait for it all to be over!!
8. Gas prices. I filled my tank today for $22! Now that, is awesome!
9. Christmas is around the corner. How can you not be jolly at Christmas?
10. Chilli. I think I may make some very soon. So good!
Thursday, October 16, 2008
My So-Called Life
It's been awhile since Ive been able to update my blog and I apologize to all of my readers that I've been slacking on this! I'm sitting here, finally relaxing after another long work week. The tv is on, although I'm not really watching it. Katy is in the chair, also playing on her computer. Lacey is sitting by me on the couch, snoring away, because we know that she's put in a stressful day. I'm smiling, probably for the first time all day. I'm glad just to be at home, resting and not worrying about anything...for now.
Lately, I've had a lot of trouble with..let's just say my "mental health." I've been pretty open with everyone about my anxiety issues because I don't feel ashamed or that I should try to hide anything. I also think that it is good for me to talk about them, as my thoughts and feelings may not ony help myself, but other people who may be going through the same thing. I've had them my whole life, and usually I am ok. But in the past few weeks, I have not been ok.
I have always been one to overstress and overanalyze everything. It's just who I am. I try to be the best friend, girlfriend, sister, daughter, and employee I can, which leads to me being overwhelmed and overstressed.
Since January, I have been working two jobs. But in the past few months, I have been working more than usual. I decided that I wanted to get my credit card paid off as soon as possible. So, I have been putting in 60 hour weeks. I get up at 6:15,get dressed and get to work at 7. I leave job #1 at 3:30, go home, change, eat a PB & J sandwich, and go to job #2 until 9 on most nights. I'm starting to finally make some money. I often work Fridays or Saturdays. I thought I wouldn't get too tired (hah!) or stressed. (yeah right!) I also have other stresses going on in my life. So, I guess I should have known it would catch up with me and a few weeks ago it did.
I had not had a "panic attack" in quite awhile. If you have ever had them, you know how awful they are. It feels like you may stop breathing at any minute and you are so nervous and you don't even know what about. You sweat. You can't swallow. You're afraid you will die. Brian and I were sitting on the couch watching football, and I felt it coming on. At first, I was afraid he would have to take me to the hospital, but I knew that it would eventually pass. So I laid there at Brian's. He checked on me often, until I told him he could stay with me for awhile. He was so good about it although scared cause he had never seen me like hat. It did pass the next morning. But, why would it happen when I was finally relaxing? Why did it have to happen on a Saturday night when I was enjoying myself? Apparently, it can happen anytime, anywhere. Since then, I have been extremely anxious. Anxious it may happen again, or just anxious. I don't like feeling fearful or feeling like I can't get out of bed. Something has got to change...
I know that I need to cut back and slow down. I need to work, there's no way around that. And I need to relax! It's just hard to do when I have so much going on in my head. Will I ever move out? Will Brian's house ever sell? Will I ever make any money? Will I ever get married? Have kids? I am pushing myself to be everything to everyone and not doing anything for myself. Finding time to even shower during the week is a job in itself! :)
I do not take any medication and would prefer it that way. I am going to look into alternative ways to deal with my stress and anxiety issues. If anyone has any advice, I would love to hear it. I think I am going to go back to church. Maybe try yoga? My dad says I that I should give myself pep talks and remind myself that I am a good person. (which I know!) My mom says I need to cut back on work. Basically, I need to make more time for myself and do more for myself.
Everyone has something they have to deal with. And this, is what I have to deal with. I can either do something about it, or let it eat me alive. I am choosing to do something about it.
Lately, I've had a lot of trouble with..let's just say my "mental health." I've been pretty open with everyone about my anxiety issues because I don't feel ashamed or that I should try to hide anything. I also think that it is good for me to talk about them, as my thoughts and feelings may not ony help myself, but other people who may be going through the same thing. I've had them my whole life, and usually I am ok. But in the past few weeks, I have not been ok.
I have always been one to overstress and overanalyze everything. It's just who I am. I try to be the best friend, girlfriend, sister, daughter, and employee I can, which leads to me being overwhelmed and overstressed.
Since January, I have been working two jobs. But in the past few months, I have been working more than usual. I decided that I wanted to get my credit card paid off as soon as possible. So, I have been putting in 60 hour weeks. I get up at 6:15,get dressed and get to work at 7. I leave job #1 at 3:30, go home, change, eat a PB & J sandwich, and go to job #2 until 9 on most nights. I'm starting to finally make some money. I often work Fridays or Saturdays. I thought I wouldn't get too tired (hah!) or stressed. (yeah right!) I also have other stresses going on in my life. So, I guess I should have known it would catch up with me and a few weeks ago it did.
I had not had a "panic attack" in quite awhile. If you have ever had them, you know how awful they are. It feels like you may stop breathing at any minute and you are so nervous and you don't even know what about. You sweat. You can't swallow. You're afraid you will die. Brian and I were sitting on the couch watching football, and I felt it coming on. At first, I was afraid he would have to take me to the hospital, but I knew that it would eventually pass. So I laid there at Brian's. He checked on me often, until I told him he could stay with me for awhile. He was so good about it although scared cause he had never seen me like hat. It did pass the next morning. But, why would it happen when I was finally relaxing? Why did it have to happen on a Saturday night when I was enjoying myself? Apparently, it can happen anytime, anywhere. Since then, I have been extremely anxious. Anxious it may happen again, or just anxious. I don't like feeling fearful or feeling like I can't get out of bed. Something has got to change...
I know that I need to cut back and slow down. I need to work, there's no way around that. And I need to relax! It's just hard to do when I have so much going on in my head. Will I ever move out? Will Brian's house ever sell? Will I ever make any money? Will I ever get married? Have kids? I am pushing myself to be everything to everyone and not doing anything for myself. Finding time to even shower during the week is a job in itself! :)
I do not take any medication and would prefer it that way. I am going to look into alternative ways to deal with my stress and anxiety issues. If anyone has any advice, I would love to hear it. I think I am going to go back to church. Maybe try yoga? My dad says I that I should give myself pep talks and remind myself that I am a good person. (which I know!) My mom says I need to cut back on work. Basically, I need to make more time for myself and do more for myself.
Everyone has something they have to deal with. And this, is what I have to deal with. I can either do something about it, or let it eat me alive. I am choosing to do something about it.
Alzheimer's Memory Walk 2008
On Saturday, October 4th, the Wilson Clan participated in the Alzheimer's Memory Walk. It was a little chilly, but the Wilson Clan was ready and excited to walk! Mom, Katy, me, Brian, Aunt Martha and Uncle Dan, Aunt Dot, and Aunt Susie raised $2,500!!! Amy Paulus also helped to raise over $100 for our team! This was my third year and I plan to walk every year! We have to find a cure for this horrible disease!! Take a look at the pics from Memory Walk '08!
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
New Posts Coming Soon...
Sorry for the gap between posts! I promise more are coming soon...I have lots to write about!! I have been so insanely busy (insane is a good word because that is pretty much how I feel right now!) these past few weeks. Look for upcoming blogs about the Memory Walk, What's Happening In My Life, and various other points of interest. Stay tuned.....
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
You know you're a grown up when...
1. You would rather stay in instead of going out. And...you feel old being around all those young kids!!!
2. You go to bed earlier. And wake up earlier.
3. You realize that people that are only a couple of years younger than you cannot always relate to you because they don't have the life experiences that you do.
4. You read the paper every day.
5. You watch the weather channel. Even if the weather is not affecting you at the moment.
6. Sitting on the porch is fun!
7. All of your friends are married.
8. You now know why your parents nagged you when you were younger.
9. You don't care if you look horrible, but go shopping anyway.
10. You realize you have to plan for your future...now!
11. You listen to talk radio.
12. You stop getting carded.
13. If you don't need something, you put it back on the shelf instead of buying it.
14. You realize that family is everything.
15. You start to buy anti-aging products, even if you don't really need them yet.
16. The thought of living in a dorm again turns your stomach.
17. You drink coffee because you enjoy it, not because it is the cool thing to do.
18. You inspect your face every day for wrinkles.
19. Your youngest sibling goes off to college.
20. You learn that you have to take care of you.
2. You go to bed earlier. And wake up earlier.
3. You realize that people that are only a couple of years younger than you cannot always relate to you because they don't have the life experiences that you do.
4. You read the paper every day.
5. You watch the weather channel. Even if the weather is not affecting you at the moment.
6. Sitting on the porch is fun!
7. All of your friends are married.
8. You now know why your parents nagged you when you were younger.
9. You don't care if you look horrible, but go shopping anyway.
10. You realize you have to plan for your future...now!
11. You listen to talk radio.
12. You stop getting carded.
13. If you don't need something, you put it back on the shelf instead of buying it.
14. You realize that family is everything.
15. You start to buy anti-aging products, even if you don't really need them yet.
16. The thought of living in a dorm again turns your stomach.
17. You drink coffee because you enjoy it, not because it is the cool thing to do.
18. You inspect your face every day for wrinkles.
19. Your youngest sibling goes off to college.
20. You learn that you have to take care of you.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Back to reality
As I sit here on a Wednesday afternoon drinking my coffee and eating a slice of pumpkin roll, there are lots of thoughts going through my head. Let me begin with the events of last week.
My grandmother, who had been battling Alzheimer's disease for the last 10 years was put into Hospice. My mom, along with her brothers and sisters, were with her every day. They took shifts so that someone would always be there and that she wasn't alone. They took turns doing dinners and keeping each other company through the whole ordeal. After realizing that she was going to pass away quickly, I decided that I needed to see her at least once before she did...even if she didn't know who I was and I knew it'd be hard. So, I left work on Tuesday to see her. My beautiful, graceful grandmother was laying in bed asleep. My uncle Jerry was there, watching tennis of course, and just sitting by her side. I didn't stay long, but decided right then and there that I would try to help and support the family as best I could.
I have a part time job that I was supposed to work at all last week. I knew it would be hard to get out of, but really, what is more important, being with your family or working a part-time job? So, I told my boss that I needed to cut back my hours because of what was going on. The next day, Wednesday, she let me leave 2 hours early. Thankfully, I went right over to Hospice to see my family and grandmother. Each day, we thought that would be it, but to the amazement of everyone around her, she kept holding on. She was a tough woman! Thursday I went to pick my sister Katy up from Kent and went over to Hospice again. This would be the final time I would see my grandmother. My mom stayed there over night along with the aunts and uncles and lots of wine! The nurses joked that "this was the place to be!" I offered to get more wine for them, but they said they were good. We gave our mom a hug, said our goodbyes, and left. All day Friday at work I checked my phone expecting to hear from my mom. Then finally, around 3, my sister Katy texted me to call my mom and I knew that she had passed away.
I of course was not up for my part time job again and was it ever difficult to get out of! Anyway, I didn't have to go in so my WONDERFUL boyfriend Brian came over to see us. He even brought my mom a plant. My mom, Brian, Katy, Eric, and I went out for Mexican. A pitcher of margaritas and very full stomaches later, we were feeling a little better. Sad, but better.
The rest of the weekened we kind of just hung out...I spent half the weekend at my house, half at Brian's, but he was with me the whole time. I even got Lacey in for a haircut. The groomers said she was so good and so cute. Watched the Buckeyes and Browns, went to Zach's pancreatic cancer fundraiser, and relaxed.
Monday night were the calling hours. There were so many people that came to support our family. It was nice to see old family and friends. Grandma looked peaceful, and actually there was almost a sense of relief that she WAS finally at peace and not in pain misery anymore. We knew that she was happy with her Ralph up in heaven.
The funeral was held Tuesday morning. It was cloudy/rainy of course...how fitting? Held at St. Vincent St. Mary, it was a very nice service. Uncle Paul gave a wonderful eulogy. The burial was at Holy Cross Cemetary where we all sang "Amazing Grace." Brian said, "Wow, you guys sound like a choir." We are a very musically talented family! :) After it was over, the sky cleared and the sun came out. We went over to Aunt Dot's house where we all acted like we hadn't eaten in 2 days! Then it was all over and now it is back to the real world.
So, all of this has made me realize many things...
1. Life is precious!! You don't know what's going to happen today, or tomorrow!
2. You should live each day to the fullest.
3. You should not stress about little things. (which I have to get better at!)
4. Family is everything! You should always be there for your family because you would want them to be there for you!
5. Have faith! The one thing that made my grandmother's death a little easier is because she had strong faith and so does our family! We know she is up there with Grandpa smiling down on us.
6. If you are not happy, you should find a way to make yourself happy! Life is too short to always be unhappy!
7. Ignore those people that try to make you feel bad about yourself. We are better than that!
8. Be a good person! Just try to be nice to people around you and maybe they'll be nice to you!
9. Don't abandon your hobbies/beliefs/values! If you like doing something, do it! Don't let other people hold you back becaue they don't enjoy it.
10. Good friends are hard to find! I am blessed that I have some GREAT friends. As I get older, it is more apparent to be who my true friends are. I consider my friends, my family!
So now, it's back to reality. Am I changed? I think so. There are some things I think I need to do, but haven't yet. Hopefully I can find the courage and strength to do what I have to do.
My grandmother, who had been battling Alzheimer's disease for the last 10 years was put into Hospice. My mom, along with her brothers and sisters, were with her every day. They took shifts so that someone would always be there and that she wasn't alone. They took turns doing dinners and keeping each other company through the whole ordeal. After realizing that she was going to pass away quickly, I decided that I needed to see her at least once before she did...even if she didn't know who I was and I knew it'd be hard. So, I left work on Tuesday to see her. My beautiful, graceful grandmother was laying in bed asleep. My uncle Jerry was there, watching tennis of course, and just sitting by her side. I didn't stay long, but decided right then and there that I would try to help and support the family as best I could.
I have a part time job that I was supposed to work at all last week. I knew it would be hard to get out of, but really, what is more important, being with your family or working a part-time job? So, I told my boss that I needed to cut back my hours because of what was going on. The next day, Wednesday, she let me leave 2 hours early. Thankfully, I went right over to Hospice to see my family and grandmother. Each day, we thought that would be it, but to the amazement of everyone around her, she kept holding on. She was a tough woman! Thursday I went to pick my sister Katy up from Kent and went over to Hospice again. This would be the final time I would see my grandmother. My mom stayed there over night along with the aunts and uncles and lots of wine! The nurses joked that "this was the place to be!" I offered to get more wine for them, but they said they were good. We gave our mom a hug, said our goodbyes, and left. All day Friday at work I checked my phone expecting to hear from my mom. Then finally, around 3, my sister Katy texted me to call my mom and I knew that she had passed away.
I of course was not up for my part time job again and was it ever difficult to get out of! Anyway, I didn't have to go in so my WONDERFUL boyfriend Brian came over to see us. He even brought my mom a plant. My mom, Brian, Katy, Eric, and I went out for Mexican. A pitcher of margaritas and very full stomaches later, we were feeling a little better. Sad, but better.
The rest of the weekened we kind of just hung out...I spent half the weekend at my house, half at Brian's, but he was with me the whole time. I even got Lacey in for a haircut. The groomers said she was so good and so cute. Watched the Buckeyes and Browns, went to Zach's pancreatic cancer fundraiser, and relaxed.
Monday night were the calling hours. There were so many people that came to support our family. It was nice to see old family and friends. Grandma looked peaceful, and actually there was almost a sense of relief that she WAS finally at peace and not in pain misery anymore. We knew that she was happy with her Ralph up in heaven.
The funeral was held Tuesday morning. It was cloudy/rainy of course...how fitting? Held at St. Vincent St. Mary, it was a very nice service. Uncle Paul gave a wonderful eulogy. The burial was at Holy Cross Cemetary where we all sang "Amazing Grace." Brian said, "Wow, you guys sound like a choir." We are a very musically talented family! :) After it was over, the sky cleared and the sun came out. We went over to Aunt Dot's house where we all acted like we hadn't eaten in 2 days! Then it was all over and now it is back to the real world.
So, all of this has made me realize many things...
1. Life is precious!! You don't know what's going to happen today, or tomorrow!
2. You should live each day to the fullest.
3. You should not stress about little things. (which I have to get better at!)
4. Family is everything! You should always be there for your family because you would want them to be there for you!
5. Have faith! The one thing that made my grandmother's death a little easier is because she had strong faith and so does our family! We know she is up there with Grandpa smiling down on us.
6. If you are not happy, you should find a way to make yourself happy! Life is too short to always be unhappy!
7. Ignore those people that try to make you feel bad about yourself. We are better than that!
8. Be a good person! Just try to be nice to people around you and maybe they'll be nice to you!
9. Don't abandon your hobbies/beliefs/values! If you like doing something, do it! Don't let other people hold you back becaue they don't enjoy it.
10. Good friends are hard to find! I am blessed that I have some GREAT friends. As I get older, it is more apparent to be who my true friends are. I consider my friends, my family!
So now, it's back to reality. Am I changed? I think so. There are some things I think I need to do, but haven't yet. Hopefully I can find the courage and strength to do what I have to do.
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